You know that feeling of waiting for someone. I mean really waiting for someone - standing in front of a restaurant in the cold and having hundreds of people pass you on the sidewalk. And you don't want to do anything else, because you're afraid you might miss something - that somehow if you don't spot him right away, he'll walk right by. So you stand there and you don't do anything except think about how you're standing there. Occasionally you might look at your watch, or check your cell phone to see if it's accidentally on silent, even though you already checked for that a minute ago. That's what this is starting to feel like. you've consumed my thoughts for the past five months. i've seen you a handful of times, those 3 days two summers ago, one time at a birthday party last christmas, and another time before we went school this year. how did i end up liking you so much? i was once the girl that said i would never fall in love. that i would never get close to a boy. that i wouldn't sit around waiting for a text. that i wouldn't give up chances just because i liked a boy. and all for a boy i never even dated. what were we exactly? nothing. that's what we were. we were two kids thinking that there was something between us. there's not, just a lot of sexual frustration and what if's. once upon a time i thought i had fallen in love with you. you sent me flowers on my birthday, you called me drunkingly at night telling me you missed me and loved me. you said cute things that i fell for, but things have changed. there's another girl. "she's really cool" you say. i was once that really cool girl to you. apparently two years of our endless texting and never seeing each other has come to a standstill. we can't move forward or go back. it's time for me to move forward. let's ask the question -- why do i like you? i used to know, but now i am not sure. i like you because of what you were to me before. you were comfortable, perfectly unattainable and everything i thought i wanted. you came to me at the exact moment my life had come crashing down and you helped pull me back up. it was easy to fall for you. you were naive and seemed so young and i thought i was so mature and experienced. then i saw you before i came to school and gosh, what a year a college did for you. you were so different, so sure of yourself, maybe a little too cocky, but it was undeniably attractive. i fell for you. you had me. i had you. we wanted each other, talked about it endlessly. but of course, time and distance. my number one problem. i think it's a curse. we could have been perfect. it could have been so easy. if only 6 hours didn't separate us. i told you i would date you. that i would stop everything else. you said no, and in the back of my mind i knew you were right. it wasn't fair to either of us. so where are we now? a whole lot of nowhere. we're caught in this constant web of circling talks. i wanted you to fill this emptiness i feel. this feeling that somethings missing in my life and i really thought you could fix it. i put too much hope in you, too much of my heart in you, too much of everything. you say let's just keep talking. i can't. i've been here before and it just never works out. we're setting ourselves up to get hurt. you broke my heart and you don't even know it. i want you so bad i can't even explain it. i want you to be mine, all mine. i don't care that you're six hours away. i want you. gosh. it's so easy to type that out and say it late at night in my room by myself. but if i said that to you i already know what you'd say. but i can still hope, can't i? that it would turn out like a movie. i'd drive the six hours to your room and it'd be raining and i'd yell at you and tell you that i'm crazy for you. you'd just stare at me like i was crazy and then say that you feel the same way and then take me in your arms and kiss me like i've never been kissed. andd back to reality. what will happen is i'll call you drunk one night all ready to say these things and you won't answer. and that'll be it. you've torn me down. i don't know how i'll fix what you've done. you are always in the back of my mind. constantly. you don't leave. and i don't know how to get you away from my thoughts. it's a new year. i'm over broken promises and words that are never true. i'm over waiting around for a boy that doesn't want me. i'm done with pointless late night talks. i'm done. it's so easy to say these things, but to do them... that's another story. so let's start. no more texting. you are welcome to text me, but i'm not an option or a second choice. i'm not one to wait around. this is me taking a step back and realizing who i am. because it's been far too long since i have done that and it's about time i do it.
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